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THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE KICKING THE BUCKET!
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February 10 CAROLYN'S BLOGAnother week has gone by...I am finding it difficult to stay focused on myself and my health. I haven't made the time to exercise this week and I haven't planned my meals very well. It definitely shows on the scale that I have been neglecting myself! I am having a challenge being able to find the right balance of taking care of my family and also taking care of myself. Having a special needs child at home, his needs always come first before my own because he cannot do things for himself and he needs so much help. It becomes overwhelming at times because I cannot do things for myself when the kids are at home because they always need me. I have heard other people say that women are better mothers when they take care of themselves first and then they have more to give to their families. But my life just doesn't work that way. If my child needs something, he isn't able to do it for himself. I have to stop what I am doing and help him. It interferes with many of my daily chores and my exercise just becomes something else that I couldn't get done during the day. Add my stress of the day, and I find it very difficult to manage my eating habits too. I watch the success of the participants on the Biggest Loser show and wish that I could proud of my weight loss accomplishments. I have to remember that this is a journey and I will find my way to weight loss success too, but sometimes I think I am wandering around...going in circles...and not really getting on the right path to my destination. February 05 Leslie's Journey/Week 4....FrustratedI am sooo frustrated with myself this week! I have reverted back to my old ways on a few of the days. I can't seem to get a handle on it and I don't know why. I gained one pound this week! I know I have to kick it in the butt before I let it get out of hand and undo everything I've already accomplished. I don't understand why I let myself do it...why I lose control. It seems so simple...you have a goal...you know the steps to accomplish the goal...so take the steps. It's really black and white...so why isn't it that easy? Why do I feel like such a failure? I'm so tired of feeling the way I do. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and being disgusted with what I see. I'm tired of feeling fat and ugly. So why do I keep doing the actions that keep me the way I am? It's not like I feel better when I eat the cookie, the snack, the fries, etc....I feel worse! SO WHY????? It seems like I sabotage myself everytime I start to make progress! Why would I do that? I'm so frustrated, angry, confused and disgusted with myself!!! Please let next week be better! January 28 Leslie's Journey/Week 3Well...I am right on target!!! I've lost another 2 pounds this week! That's 8 so far. :) I'm over 10% of the way there. :) Although I hit my target weight for the week I still struggled with a couple of things. One was getting all of my water in. One day I actually didn't drink any water and had three diet pepsi's. Oops. Not horrible, but not great either. I've noticed that if I start drinking water early in the day I do much better the rest of the day. But if I procrastinate with it then I end up craving soda. So I should really try to force myself to drink water early in the am. My second issue this week (okay maybe every week...haha, but I'm actually noticing it more this week)...I am finding that after my meals I have more calories to eat so I am eating treats instead of more fruits, veggies, or other healthy foods. I'm like ooooo, I have 200 more calories I'll have a kudos and a 100 calorie pack of chips. Now I know that doesn't sound all bad, but that doesn't count the other 2 or 3 treats (same type) that I already consumed throughout the day. So I end up eating 4 to 600 calories in snacks!!!! That's a pretty considerable amount considering I'm only eating 1500 to 1700 calories a day! I'm having a really hard time controlling it and I don't know why!???? I love treats. mmmmmm....bad...bad...I know. I don't know why I love them so much. It's not like they are fullfilling. And the sugar is probably actually making me hungrier instead of more satisfied. So why do I keep doing it??? I realize I am still losing, and I'm keeping within my calories...but I could be doing so much more. I could be losing that much quicker. I need to come up with a game plan to stop myself from eating so many treats. Any suggestions? As far as working out I worked out I only worked out 4 days this week. But on one day I did a 4 hour defensive tactics class and an hour swim class. Today I actually started running again too. I used to run all the time...the last time I got skinny. But since I've gained the weight back I have found it really hard to get back into (probably because I am out of shape and gasping for what little air I can possibly get). Anyways...I ran for 15 minutes today. Not straight time...but 6 minutes, walked some, did another 6 minutes, walked some and did another 3 minutes. Tomorrow I hope to get 20 minutes of running in. I can't wait til I can run 5 miles again without stopping and it actually feels good again. I miss the runner's high. It's a great feeling!January 26 CAROLYN'S BLOGI think my life really started to unravel after I got married. My husband is a widower with two children - a son & a daughter. Before we got married, I really analyzed the situation to determine if I could do it. I had a professional career as a graphic designer and a lot of independence. Although I didn't give birth to any children, I think of my stepchildren as my own. I can only imagine how difficult it is for them to grow up without their birth mother & no matter how good of a mother I am, it can never replace what they have lost. My stepson (Xavier) has cerebral palsy. When he was born, he wasn't breathing. This caused damage to his brain which affects his speech and mobility. Although he is 10 years old and very intelligent, he still cannot walk independently. He requires a lot of extra attention from me to be able to accomplish things throughout the day. To put it in a way that people can understand, I think his body works about the same as a toddler. With all his challenges, he is one person that is truly inspiring. He always has a great attitude, no matter what is going on. I have spent years working with him to improve the function of his body, even traveling to Europe (Poland) several times for intensive therapy (as therapy sessions add up, I have spent over a year of my life living in Poland! And I still don't speak Polish!). A few months after getting married, I quit my job (not what I had originally intended to do) and I have been a stay at home mom ever since. It has been very difficult for me to accept my new position, especially losing my independence and relying on my husband to support our family financially. I also miss having a professional job and working with other adults - spending too much time with children drives me a bit crazy. I do some work from home with graphic design, making gift baskets, creating jewelry and fused glass creations. These activities have kept me sane over the years, but it is obvious to see by looking at the excess weight on my body that I am not happy with my lifestyle. Last week Xavier had a seizure on two different nights while he was sleeping. It is a stressful situation because we didn't know it happened until I went into his room to wake him up. Last year he had a seizure that never stopped & we had to take him to the er for the doctors to get it to stop. After an hour and a half, they were finally able to control it with 4 different kinds of medication. In November, he had another seizure that lasted 13 minutes. Usually one of his seizures lasts about 30 seconds. When it hadn't stopped after 4 minutes, I had to call the paramedics for assistance. Just as they pulled up outside, his seizure stopped. After those episodes, it is difficult for me to sleep comfortably at night. So now I sit at 4:38 am with insomnia.......
I need to find a better balance with my life, but I am still struggling. I thought I would find the motivation by joining this Couples Challenge, but it seems like LIFE is getting in the way of my success. How do I control things in my life that are uncontrollable? January 20 CAROLYN'S BLOGMy life seems to have gotten out of control over the past few years. It is quite obvious by my appearance, but I have been in denial for awhile. The stress has taken a toll on my body and I have finally decided that it is time to make myself & my health a priority. Fortunately, I have a my great friend Leslie to join me on my journey to health. I have a long way to go -- my goal is to lose 100+ lbs! I know it will take some time to reach my goal weight, and I am working towards reaching it by the end of 2008.
So how did my weight get so out of control? This is the question I asked myself on January 1, 2008 when I got on the scale to determine my "STARTING WEIGHT". Imagine my horror when I saw...........259! My stress and overburdened life consumed me, especially over the course of the last few years. Most women DREAM of getting married, having children and a beautiful home - what a wonderful life! So how could these events change my life so dramatically towards obesity? Read my next blog entry and I will tell you what caused my life to spin out of control.
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